Terrified Dad

When  my seven month old son is awake I could juggle kittens and chainsaws.

My son would watch in rapture as I tossed kitten after chainsaw, chainsaw after kitten with hands as sure as England goalkeeper David James… hmmm, perhaps not the best example. Basically I am looking for a metaphor that says I have very safe hands, that there is little to no danger that any kittens will end up harmed even in the slightest by the flying chainsaws…. because that would not be nice, and probably messy, and may mentally scar my son for life – but this is not the point.

When my seven month old son is awake I don’t drop things. I am able to behave like an adult should. I can pick up plates from the dish rack, dry them and put them away without creating havoc. I can lift items from one place and put them down in another without incident. I can even prepare whole meals and most of the food stays on the plate.

And then there are the times when my son is asleep.

At the weekend he eventually fell asleep after two hours of grouching. As I tip toed from the nursery I dropped the baby bottle. Not only did it peel like a bell as it hit the floorboards it then managed to bounce and hit everything else in the room that could possibly make a loud, ugly, baby waking noise.

Two days ago when he was asleep on our bed and looking beautiful I thought I would take a photograph of him on my phone. Suddenly the phone turned to butter, springing from my hand and landing square on my son’s forehead. Naturally all hell broke loose.

This morning as he slept peacefully I lifted a blanket from the chair. I did not see the two (yes, two!) rattles that were sitting on the blanket. Both crashed to the ground waking him immediately.

Where does this dropsy come from? Is my karma bank so depleted I am being punished? Why can I no longer hold something or see the looming dangerous potential of something to create a cacophony of hoots, cackles and wails?

I would dwell on it longer but right now I have to take advantage of the fact Noah is finally asleep and  move this tray of champagne glasses to the top shelf.